If I Give You the Ick, - I Already Know

I learned to accept my flaws because I know who I am. And more importantly, I know that who I am today does not have to be who I am tomorrow.

I’m learning myself every day, every hour, every minute. I’m allowed to change my mind. I’m allowed to outgrow things. I’m allowed to discover something new about myself and decide that maybe I want to move differently now. That isn’t inconsistency. That’s evolving. That’s what it means to actually be paying attention to yourself.

So yes, I know I can be moody as fuck sometimes. I think there may be things about the way my brain works that I haven’t fully understood yet. I’m still learning about it. And I’m not going to diagnose myself just to make my personality easier for somebody else to categorize.

Yes, sometimes I rock back and forth. Sometimes I stare into space. And no, I’m not necessarily upset, ignoring you, or having some profound existential crisis. Sometimes I’m literally thinking about where I put my passport. Or remembering something I ate yesterday that was really fucking good.

Yes, I can get extremely high energy. Sometimes I’m on ten when everybody else is on three. But sometimes I like that version of me. I’m genuinely happy. Sometimes my mind is moving quickly and I’m excited about life, and I don't want to apologize for having energy just because it takes up space.

Yes, sometimes I spit when I talk. My mouth gets twisted up when I’m talking too fast because my brain is trying to process ten different things at once and my mouth is struggling to keep up.

And yes, I know I had bad breath when I broke my tooth down to my jawline. Trust me, that was my biggest insecurity at the time. I was painfully aware of it. Anyone who knows me knows how important my dental health is to me. I didn’t need anybody to point it out.

Yes, I know I might smell a little different when I leave the gym. I just worked out. My body is doing what bodies do. My pheromones are in a frenzy, I’m sweaty, I’m tired, and I’m probably stressed. So if you happen to catch me immediately afterward, I might not smell like I just stepped out of a fragrance commercial.

Yes, I know I sometimes get makeup on my shirts or my sheets. Sometimes I don’t feel like putting on setting spray or powder. Sometimes I just want to wear the makeup and live my life. And sometimes makeup ends up… where makeup ends up. That is the consequence of being a person who actually likes makeup.

Yes, I know I leave my wigs laying around sometimes. I like to wear wigs sometimes. I have options. Sometimes I need to see them all laid out in front of me before I know which version of myself I feel like being that day.

Yes, I know there’s a hole in my pants. That happened earlier today when I was pulling them up and my nail went straight through the fabric. I like my nails long and sharp. Sometimes you get a casualty.

Yes, sometimes my room is a mess. But there’s a difference between a room being messy and a room being dirty. Sometimes there are clothes on my bed. Sometimes things are out of place. Sometimes my environment looks a little like my mind feels. But give me a day, and I’ll straighten it out.

I know all of this.

I know the things that could make somebody cringe. I know the things that might give somebody “the ick.” I know the things that someone could take out of context and turn into a reason not to like me.

You don't have to tell me.

Because the difference between insecurity and self-awareness is that I can see these things without allowing them to become the entire story of who I am.

I am not pretending to be perfectly polished to your standard. I am not interested in performing or being immaculate, predictable, and easy to understand.

I am ME.

Sometimes I’m put together. Sometimes I’m scattered. Sometimes I’m quiet. Sometimes I’m loud as hell. Sometimes my thoughts are organized. Sometimes they are everywhere at once.

And I’m still me through all of it.

So if any of these things give you the ick, that's okay.

I already know.

And somehow, I still “like myself.”

Alexa play “I LIKE MUHSELF” by Lil Rick.